Money doesn't grow on trees.

So right now There are alot of questions I have. Alot that doesn't make sense and I'm hoping someone can give insight. Today in service I became quite confused with the message. Some things yes I understood however there is still some that I'm very confused with. What I gathered from the message today was pretty cut and dry you shouldn't spend money that you don't have. That's pretty simple and well versed throughout life yes. But if you don't have money to spend on things you want let alone sometimes on the things you need but yet you should still tithe away. If I have five dollars and i want o put gas in my car, but I still should tithe do I give that five dollars to God? Or as the example today if a person wants to go to church on Sundays but becomes unable to because they have work or maybe they have no car they are not really wanting to be there then? Maybe I didn't understand the message but I really felt like I was hearing that they should quit their job to attend church so that then god would find them a job that they would not have to work on Sundays and woul be able to attnd church? I asked my husband about this par of the message today and He told me that was not what was said or meant. Then what is what I am asking?
To me saving that five dollars and waiting to tithe means thinking in reality because it's said god does not answer all prayers with the answer you want each time so shouldn't you be smart about it then!? I am having such a hard time with alot of this today.

Not very happy right now

So this week has been a real bust in my opinion. I haven't been so motivated for anything, well except for complaining. I know I should act a little better but this week really just was a bad week. I haven't written any blogs lately not bcause I haven't been able to but rather because I have just been emotionally and physically exhausted. Last week almost everyone in the house was down and out for at some point with the stomach bug, myself included. We haven't quite fully gotten over the bug even still today. Last night I was up from 12 till 3 am because of it and just bEcause I wasn't able to sleep which is another issue in itself. The last few days though have been especially hard a teething baby, mommy had no comfort or sympathy for him and the screaming. I have just been completely on edge. I have a huge issue with someone telling me what I should do or have to do In this matter, and today is one of those days. I am usually supposed to be at my sons school helping but instead I'm here at my drs office sitting around doing nothing but blogging because they were going to hassle me to do the 3 hour test which I know I will pass With no issues. If I had gestational diabetes I woul have seen so emind of symptom prior to this. If anything I would be gaining
weight at least like I usually did in pregnancy. I haven't even gained ten pound with this baby. By this time in the pregnancy I have usually already gained 20 pounds at least. So needless to say I'm confident in knowing my own body and hoe it takes things. In fact Ive learned by doing my own research that the information given to me by my doctor seems to always be a scare tactic. She really pushed the flu shot and even undermined or dismissEd thE fact that my husband and I both stated that I have done flu shots before and I have always gotten the flu, other than those two times I have never had the flu nor have I had the flu shot either. The last time I had it was when I had just had Konnor and I got the flu shot based on the recommendation that I get it so Konnor would get the antibodies from my milk. Other than that I have never been so I'll with anything other than a stomach virus which I have noticed I've gotten every single pregnancy at some point. But again every appointment she pushed numbers and stastics down my throat. She has also done nothing but tell me things that are al ost next to never going to happen. Big example the uterine rupture. I have. 1% chance that I may have that happen and in the sEnse of it she was right as per research if it's Gunnar happen it's Gunnar happen labor csections etc or not. Why try to scare me into things? So now here I am 30 someething weeeks along I know if I mention how the dates must be off she won't listen so i'm not going to mention it. If labor occurs naturally great! Maybe I'll get lucky and be able to have a natural birth. I am contemplating switching docs as I just have gotten to the point I don't trust her and I since this is it for sure I want my last experince to go well and exactly how I would want things to be. I have no plans being in the hospital for more than on night. I know the ped will release my baby quickly and it will be a matter of my doctor releasing me. So again I feel this morning is just being wasted because we all know I won't get any work done this afternoon.

Why Is It harder to talk face to face than through email/ text etc

I have always had thus issue even when it comes to my husband my family friends pretty much anyone. I have a hard time talking out loud anymore. I can only assume this comes from five years of really never leaving my house. Prior to the last year the only times I really left my house were to go to the grocery store or take my kids to school. Thus last year I branched out and started going to moms groups however I still have that issue about talking to others. I don't even like being on the phone anymore. I have seriously become a hermit crab it seems. This weekend was busy and as I think back way too emotional for me. But I made it through the weekend. I am having a little issue with how things are going with my husband though. But it really isn't him that's the cause of it. I may have turned things around for me but there's still a part of me that's doing it for him too. And so when I don't completely understand something or feel 100 percent on something I feel like I will disappoint him and kind of like you seek approval from your parents I think you also end up seeking approval from your spouse. After all a marriage is supposed to be 50/50 right!

I feel like we are back trAcking

Maybe it's because we haven't done counseling i don't know but I'm feeling a bit disturbed by it all. The last several nights he has been a bit on the depressed side. I know our backyard bothers him and it bothers me too, but he has been distant since bringing it up. Not much we can do at This time and I understood to give him space about it but he is also starting to seem upset with me. We got into a fight this morning and neither one of us has apologized to the other and it's already starting to seem like we are just setting the argument aside like it didn't happen which always resulted in us fighting more later. I know we will fight no matter what but it's how we argued that needed to change and as of this morning I feel like it's back to square on all over again. It's like the last month never took place.

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Better days

Today I am determined that today will be a great day. Last night we had dinner at a friends house and we had fun. We don't get invited out much. But of course for the longest time I don't think my husband really wanted to spend time with me either. But it's so much better. Yesterday I had a lot of emotions running through my head and while I can't lie and say they are still in the back of my mind through the advice of friends I have to push them out. I have to finally get to the point that I don't let it bother me any longer. Someone mentioned that I need to find a purpose for my life. I really have not figured that one out. Now I can't say that I have that part figured out because I don't have it figured out but my friends were right that I need to just set it out of my mind because it's not helping me move on. So today I stopped and gave my kids some extra kisses and told them how special they are to me. Since he wasn't quite awake this morning I want to say it again to my husband I love you and I'm working hard to see the future and not the past. I love you and thankyou for all that you do for us, for me!

On the same page!

Yes the title says it all.

Yesterday my husband had me read one of the chapters in the book he's been reading for the mens group he attends with the Pastor.
The author of this book summed exactly how I feel a marriage should be.
The easiest term I can sum it up (but seriously if I don't explain myself right read chapter 15 in Honors Reward by John Bevere, because he really does explain how I see marriage).
I can see especially right now, that my husband should be the spiritual head of the house. In a sense, the head of the house if you have to actually put a person first. However, in the actual marriage sense, I always see that marriage should be equal. My husband is not exactly better than me, and I'm not better than him. We just might be better at certain things. In the sense, a marriage should equal one. So my husband should make up 50 percent of the marriage, and I should make up the other 50 percent of the marriage. This would be why being married to more than one person (i'm really meaning at a time not you get divorce and meet someone else and get married and its bad) As much as I'd personally rather not get divorced or see people get divorced I do realize sometimes it ends up being for the better for all. I just personally don't want to end up in a divorce. PLus, I invested 6 years of marriage so far and then some on my husband. Who would want a 27 year old with 4 kids? For the longest time, I'd always felt my husband didnt respect me, or my opinions, and always had the mindset man rules, woman stays at home pregnant and cleans cooks etc.

Growing up, I did not think this was my role, nor had would I have conformed to it back then. Strangely, I've conformed to it more than I wanted to honestly. I had never actually thought about kids when I was a teenager. Being in love didn't matter to me, heck, having a boyfriend didn't exactly matter to me.
I thought more about what I would do with my future, than who was going to be in my future. So I conformed much more to the pregnant wife at home ideal than what I had ever had in my mind.
I like being independent, I like that I am my own person and that I specifically do not have to have others to make me happy. But after being married, I've learned that it doesn't work exactly like that.
I will admit, I've envied my friends from high school who have the, just in a relationship, no kids, no real tie downs. They've done the career first etc.
I wanted that. I wanted to live on my own for awhile, do my own thing, with and without a boyfriend. I lived on my own for a little while, however it wasn't what I meant by it. For so many reasons. I wanted a career, at one point, I had planned to enlist in the air force. Several things stopped me, but sometimes I can't help but stop and think, it would have been so much different had I of taken that step and made a different life for me.
My independence didn't last very long at all. I quickly became dependent on my husband after meeting him, and as much as I will say when I met him, I did NOT want to get into anything serious with him, and I was in denial all in the beginning.
Now I dont want to air out dirty details, but I think my husband can say this too, (he's so much different now and going back and thinking about this only makes me love him even more right now). But neither one of us were ready for the relationship we made in the beginning. Chris, one of our friends pointed it out early on. And I think we both were in denial, but he was very much right, we should have gone our seperate ways early on. Now, that doesn't mean we wouldnt have still ended up together, come on we've made it this far , just the hard way. What would have happened had we of not of jumped into dating and then ultimately getting pregnant that early. He was there for two years, we may have stayed friends, he may have gone on deployment and come back a different person, and I may have gone and become a different person, and then our life might have started, and the right way at that.

But we didn't start off like that, we started off with two totally different mindsets of a relationship. Heck my husband hadn't dated much, and me, well lets just say, no relationship lasted long enough to mean anything.

So where do we take it from here, after 4 kids, a very rocky marriage the last 6 years (almost 7) and yeah the last month has been great for both of us. But where do we go from here. In a sense we need to start over. But thats impossible, can't send the kids away long enough to "date" Yeah there's the renewal of vows we can do. But will we have the ability to get over our old way of thinking, and even get over how we both treated each other in the past.

I have no plans for divorce, and do not wish for it by any means. But I am asking for help or advice on where do we go from here. How exactly do I get over the feelings of it and move on from it. In a way I feel there's a small void, there's things we didn't get to do, and we can't get those moments back. How do I just let it go, and not wish just a little bit, that we get those moments.

I think we both know what we did wrong, and we both know how to change it and we're working on that, but there's still that little part of me that wants it to start over in a way. Start from scratch, and get the little things back that we never got.

If you go back to remember the summary of my life with my husband, mine was alot different from what my husband said. We have had good moments, I mean we've had great moments through out our life. But despite not having those dreams when I was younger, I still had an idea in my head, that I'd have my fairytale. My fairytale meant a wonderful wedding (not pregnant), shared with friends and family, a honeymoon that didnt last an evening, the first month as newlyweds, still wrapped up in each other. There's just so much that I really have to say, I wanted, and the last 6 years were not even close to it. So how do we start over and get those moments back? or how do I just get over it. I hate that I envy those who get the chance to do it all the right way. Because what I do have is wonderful and I do know that.

If I haven't praised my husband enough yetrf

My husband is the best! He is wonderful and I mean it seriously. This last month has been amazing and I believe it goes both ways, aside from break downs on my part (yes I'm a bit emotional). We have been working hard towards keeping ourselves on a budget. We have done so much more together in the last month, than we have done in the last 7 years. Seriously! It's been more quality time, rather than just time in the same room together, or same car together.
I believe there's still more change to come on both of our parts.
One thing I noticed, is that over the last 7 years, other than the "family" pictures, we don't really have any of us together just the two of us. I hope that will change. I look at pictures of friends with their spouses, and really it bums me, because I really don't have any of my husband and I together. Our wedding pictures, the family pictures we've done. Pictures of my husband with my boys. But very few of all of us together, or just of me and my husband.
Hey the family started with the two of us!

As i'm getting off topic on what I wanted to write about today.
yesterday I got the news i have to do the 3 hour glucose test, this happened when I was pregnant with the last one too, and I passed the three hour with no issues at all. So while it feels as if we're coming together to take care of the budget, all I'm doing is adding more to it. On top of other reasons why its just too much to do the test. I just feel its unnecessary.

But none the less, my husband is being great about it all. He could have gotten angry with me yesterday for being over emotional about the situation, but he wasn't.


So Yesterday afternoon I was able to read the book we're reading for the Couples Home group at our church. I read the first chapter, and let me just say while I undderstand some of it either I'm taking other parts the wrong way, or I just don't agree.
I can't wrap my head around that my husband makes the decisions, basically. I have always felt that a marriage should be equal. We go into marriage together, everything should be done together. When we can't agree upon a decision we talk it out, and we compromise if needed. I don't like the feeling of always being the one to compromise, and I will say, over the last two years, thats how I felt. I felt like my husband was never compromising with me. I felt like he didn't care about what was effecting me in the situation. that was something that really bothered me too. I have just felt that over the last 7 years I've given up alot that I need and wanted so my husband could be happy. More especially over the last two years though. This does come back down things that have happened over the last two years. And while I believe I have done very well in letting it go, being told I need to let him be the head of the household, well I can't help to feel like I'll be stepped all over again and my feelings disregarded again, and it makes me totally not agree with that he should be the head of the household. I'm probably making a mountain out of this, but its really how I feel.

So how does someone who has and wants an independent mindset allow their husband to just take over.

Great weekend, crappy week?

As of later Saturday evening, I started getting sick. The weekend went well. Lots of stuff done. The house looks great, only laundry to do,and start on our bedroom and of course theres the rest of the stuff upstairs in the "nursery" I say "nursery, because it really isnt going to be much other than a place to have clothes.
I doubt we'll get around to painting. There isn't exactly time to do so. 9 weeks left to go as of yesterday.
I just hope I can get our bedroom done and ready with the bassinet cleared out (don't ask) so there is a place to put the baby at night!

Plus I need to hang up the clothes I do have, and store the rest of the next size up for Logan.
And then of course I need to finish the bedroom my parents sleep in when they are here.

But I'm so not feeling well today. I'm tired and ready to go back to bed. Logans not having that one though. :(