It's Saturday morning now! I am surprised at how fast the week has gone. Yesterday went well although most of the morning I didn't feel the best, but I had finally gotten up and had a little more energy. So while I didn't get a huge project done I did do the floors in the kitchen. So while I ate dinner we watched bones which is quite amusing because neither one of us really felt like watching tv much this past week so we didn't actually know the shows had come back on we have our DVR set to record certain shows we like. These tv shows were actually the only thing my husband and I really ever did together before. When I talk about the little changes that have been happening I have to place this one as a huge change along with the video games. I hope it lasts though. I usuLly go to bed not long after we put the boys upstairs for bed and usually I'm saying goodnight to my husband and asking if he is coming to bed soon. So many times I rewake up to him nOt in bed and he's still on the couch playing video games or watching tv. This week we have played a little video games together. It has been so nice to go to bed with him though. To have him next to me. I did not prAy for this exactly but rather just for our marriage for us to get better. I can't expect every ideal of marriage to be exactly how I want it. So getting this has been amazing. I feel much closer to him now.
Yesterday evening after watching bones together I we t on to read the bible I was given. I still haven't gotten past that it sounds like a story to me. After discussing why Jesus tells his mother it is not his time yet when she points out that the people have no wine for the celebration and the way the words are written she is implying that Jesus make them wine. I don't understand why he says it's not my time yet if he goes ahead and does it. These are the things that mAke me just think that someone used some history in their writing and told a great story. Which brings me to another question. If people are able to believe the bible as what really happened, why can nobody (adult wise) actually believe there is magic and Santa is real? I know many that do believe I God but will not allow their kids to believe in the magic of Santa. I am by far not looking down upon those who do that but just asking if they can't believe I Santa how did they come to believe that the bible is
ore than just some peoples story telling throughout the life. Giving them or other people something they can believe in throughout their life.
So of course I wanted to know how my husband came to the conclusion and as we were laying in bed I asked him. I asked what mAde him believe it. He answered and asked me not to ask him further questions on the bible And what it means because he felt he couldn't explain it correctly. I tried to explain though my side which made refernece to the devil which is something he had always thrown out at me that the devil is doing this. But yet it could never have been the devil making him throw his marriage away so he could continue to go to the church? After a year of going back and forth with him about the church and my husband and I attempting other churches and not because of me but him sstoppi g and refusing to go elsewhere with me did I finally get to the point that it was me or the chuRch. He was willing to throw his marriage away and chose the church. This comes In very close in regArds to painful, emotional and just literally had me sunk to an all time low. Since then I have never been able to tAlk about this situation that we went through and not break down into tears. After 9 years of the emotional feelings about so ething I did I still get emotional about it but it has gotten a little easier for me. I would like to think my husband did play a part in helping me. I will admit I do not forgive myself because one event spiraled the next year of my life to a breaking point that it wasn't until I had met my husband an then became pregnant with my oldest son that I finally started changing my life around. After that I felt as if I had become someone totally different. Things I enjoyed before I have even come to the point of forgetting the things I did. At that point I became mommy and I really feel like ever since the day I had Jordan everything else was lost. I still don't know what it is like to not just be mommy. But really only today had beentbe first time I have written about my husband ready to throw his marriage away and I didn't emotionally break Down In tears and just bawl about it for a bit. As I wrote it just now I did have to wipe away tears as it still stings. When I was in the meetin with the Pastor on we'd I broke down when I talked about it too. I have talked about it to many people and I have had others say he was at fault too but that i shouldn't have asked for him to leave a church. In other words the way I took so e conversations regarding it is that we should have talked about it and come to the conclusion that we needed to find a different church that we were both comfortable at. I am still not sure I am comfortable at Grace. I still have my reserves about it which I believe could possibly keep me from feeling anything of the nature. But again I am trying. I still love my husband although I will admit a week ago if he would have left without a word or fight I would not have stopped him. After the last 7 years of it always being something I couldn't even bringmyself to remember any of the really good times we did actually have. Between being pregnant and all of the emotions where I had completely fallen out of love with my husband the last year and the start of this pregnancy had really taken it's toll on me physically. I had hit rock bottom so many times that sometimes I had wished someone would have committed me! But things are starting to turn around. Yesterday I got an email from my husband And I believe other than asking me something or reminding me something I don't get emails or letters. I could count on my two hands how many I have gotten even when he was on deployment. But I do remember a poem be had written me while on deployment. That was the most beautiful poem I had ever read. Because it was written for me. It got me through the deployment. I have since gotten a few others like just it was getting so bad and he was leaving and possibly going back into lousiana after katrina had just hit And people were shooting and all he wrote me an amzing letter that I had gotten to read when I got back from taking him to the base. It kept my love for him zgoing at the time. And just as we have hit Rock bottom in our marriage right now we had hit it back then too. So again I had gotten an email from him yesterday and I cried. It was great to hear the words of encouragment and In a way hear him believe we will make it through this last rock bottom patch and we will make it to be an old couple awaiting our grandchildrens arrival. We will stay a family a d life will be so much better. I have another meeting with the pastor today. I prayed last night that the on thing I do not do is vent about my husband which is what I did last time. I hope I can do it.