Thursday, August 5, 2010

I am depressed or just plain crazy? Ppd or ptls?

I have always wanted to be a working mom. Although my idea of a job would be one that would allow me to still be there for my kids all day and for school functions. So Being my own boss
right. I like to be busy just not busy doing housework. I know we always want what we don't have. Just as they say someone who has straght hair wants curly and someone who has curly hair wants straight. But feeling as if you are doing something productive
really makes a huge difference to me. No matter how well I keep my house cleaned up and mess free my kids will make a mess in the room they are in. It is a never ending battle. It is also a big reason why I have been so stressed out lately. I have had more break downs In the last month than I have had in any of my four pregnancies where we know crying for no reason has it's reasons. But why am I crying and going crazy losing my patients and getting angry so easily lately. I have thought post partum depression which I was worried that it would happen this time around. I don't like the idea of pills but honestly I don't even know where to start. I hate myself. I know I'm depressed lately but I don't know if it's because of my situation or the hormonal changes that happened a fourth time around. I have been told it's spiritual but I can't even remotely agree that it's what's wrong with me. I have yelled at my kids so many times for things yeah it would upset you but it wouldn't necessarily set me off on a go to bed now kick. I have also noticed my kids have really distanced themselves from me.

Las night though I did a little more research regarding post tubal ligation syndrome. While pregnant with my daughter I had come across the information about it which did make me question should I get a tubal or should I wait to get an essure or something along those lines. During the last 4 months I have probably taken almost as many tests as I had when I was trying to get pregnant with my third child. I don't know why I have been scared of getting pregnant again despite having my tubes tied but I have been. I have had lots of "symptoms". Including terrible back pain which I have never had back pain except for durng pregnancy. I am overall able to withstand alot of pain than some. So I would believe that when someone hears me talk about my back hurting it must be bad. I am exhausted for no reason. My daughter sleeps through the night. I have had to just Go and lay down several times. I recall one that there was no way I could stay awake. Which
is not a good thing when you have four kids at home to take care of. I need to know what is wrong with me.