Sunday, January 31, 2010

Chicken and Steak Fajitas

I don't have much to say, except I need to catch up on some reading this evening.
Today is a full day, Plus I am going to send over a text ( I am only sending over a text now because its really early) inviting my husbands sister and her husband (and daughter) over for dinner this evening. We're off to church this morning, and then right on over to a birthday party, while my husband takes off to take my oldest out to a movie just the two of them! My son will be so thrilled I don't think he realizes they're going today!

Last night was a wonderful evening, aside from the fact that our date night (the end of it) was spent my husband getting his hair cut!

No biggie. It was just really nice getting to spend quality time with him. We went to dinner for his first meal off the Daniels Fast, and then had coffee and off to walmart we went.
We went there for a firewood log and a birthday gift for our middle son to give at the birthday party today, but ultimately ended up in the baby stuff and got a few outfits for the baby! I only really picked out one and let him pick out the others, he of course grabbed pink.
But i picked out the cutest girlie green and pink overalls for her. Then he decided to get his hair cut so we waited for that and then went home.

Today though, while full, will be a good day.
I think though prior, I'm going to go take a nice hot bath! My youngest woke up and of course is now in my bedroom! Yippeee.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

My real meaning of a baby shower

The other day I got a phone call about having a baby shower. Now let me point out I hAven't had a real baby shower before. My thoughts of a baby shower are not to get gifts for the baby despite how nice it is to get something for your little one. But rather in my opinion it's so the mother (and father ) can feel like the people around them accept their new addition into he world And support them. You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child. Well in a sense it is true. At some point didn't each childs life someone else will be there watching your child or teaching them. School is the biggest example however those who homeschool if you take your child on a field trip to pretty much anywhere someone else may do a little teaching. Out in everyday life someone may teach your child. Whn I had my baby shower when pregnant with my first child. I did not have a real shower persay. My wonderful mother and aunt Pam had thrown the shower and there was specifically only family. Not one person there that was a friend. Everyone had some blood tie to me! Pam by marriage,my sister, It was nice of them to do however it also setthe tone for how I felt about friends any longer. I had none and just like a two years before I was left alone and to fend for myself. But I had always had my family there. It was the reason I changed my way of thinking. Family became my only friends and all. This also happened to me on my wedding day. Other than Chris who was the bestman the other groomsmen didn't even bother to show up the day of my wedding. I learned the hard way that I had no friends,ultimately the only people who had been there were my family. This would be how I have led my life over the years. I stopped caring about if I had friends. What was the point.
This was a huge disPpointment in my life unforunately. I clung to my husband be because he was the only person who stuck around. For a long time I felt like the only reason was bscUse I was pregnant. Now the wedding I had Maas wonderfulbecahse o my parents ( my mom ESP) but if I ha that time in my life to do over I would have just waited. I think it could have helped us wig our marriage. Just like this whole baby shower that I had back then I appreciate all my mom does for me! She is. Wonderful mother and i am so close to her. She really has been my best friend throughout my journey of motherhood! One day I hope to repay her for all of her wisdom and hope and love she's given to me. So please do not get he impression that I'm ungreatful to all she hadls done. In fact I'm more thankful to her than ever as I would not have had a wedding if it weren't for her and very well possible I may had never had a baby shower either.
So again whn I got the phone call I couldn't help but be a little excited. Someone cared enough about me to show their support to my husband and I about having another baby. I get to be surrounded by friends for awhile gushing about the new bundle of joy we will have. I had always wanted to do a meet the baby with my prior sons but never had the friends to invite. I think after I'm up and running after she is born I'd like to have a gathering. One thing that has never happened either is I don't usually have visitors ar he hospital other than family. This last time Around I would like to have visitors if they Would like to come.
Oh and btw we are Going to have a sweet baby girl soon! It's getting really close! I still need to put clothes that I do have away! And maybe we should paint the nursery! I think I will talk to my husband today! We never really did the decorAting for the last two but did somewhat for my first. Maybe it's time we do it this last time Around! Who has some girlie theme ideas!

send me your girlie nursery ideas! We don't have a crib In there right now because logan is using it until he is ready for a big boy bed!

Oh and If they still read this I want to say thAnkyou. It means the world to me that you all care about me! An thankyou my wonderful husband I love you so much! Now wake up and let's get Saturday started! H

Friday, January 29, 2010

It's 4am. And I'm already up why?

Yesterday was not horrible by any means theonly thing thatbothered me was that we had rescheduled the meeting I had with the pastor as the storm in our area was getting worse. I hate driving when the rainis really heavy. I asked about rescheduling about 2 in half hours prior to the meeting time and honestly I felt that wasn't much of a notice for him. I felt bad about it. My husband kind of made me feel even more so that he was disappointed in me for not going. The rain did let up by 7 but it picked back up by 8. I just didn't like how he made me feel I needed to explain it to him and everyone else. I also don't like people being disappointed in me. I'm not ma at him and we did talk about it last night. I kind of hope that today school gets canceled as it's supposed to drop in temp and possibly snow. This way the boys and I can sit on the couch and curl up wiu blankets and books and games and just have one of those days! However I know today Jordan is supposed to have his big test soi don't want him to miss that either. I doubt s hool willbe canceled though. I would like to sit down and read today too it's hard to sit down and do much whn you leave midway through the day to go get one kid get home make lunch attempt naps and then your off to get thenext one. As much as iwasnt ready at he beginning of th year for my sweet 3 year old to go to school more than the half a day I'm ready now! Next school year he will be there all day. An thTs just around the corner! Along with April! Yesterday was my last every month appt! I now will go every two weeks. We are gettting close and well not much is ready. Hoping I can get back to work and finish up things. I haven't even figured out her coming home outfit yet! I know I wa going to incorporate a part of logans coming home outfit into hers but I haven't even begun to get that ready. In feb there is a consignment expo that I will probably go to to get the last little thngs we will need. More than anything though we need to get a freezer for the garage. I know it will come together. Ijust feel blocked that I'm not finished yet. Two rooms upstairs to be doneand then my room needs to be ready as well. I have to clear things out ESP the bassinet get a craft area ready so maybe I can attempt to find the bobbin cover for my moms machine and then I can finally make some girlie something for the bassinet and other things headbands and bows. I really need to get some more girlie fabric though. I have a little of the dress fabric that I plan to turn into some little summe dresses for her an then they can be shirts. I also have this thing where I'm torn. I want her to be able to wear ute things however I have issues with some things parents put on their little ones when sadly there are people out there that aren't looking at them like awww what a cute little baby girl etc. So it's a matter of keeping her covered just as you would yourself. But then I'm not sure if that rules out the spaghetti strapped dresses etc. This is something my husband and I do really need to discuss. It's still very unreal to me that I'm having a girl. I know it's a nerves thing I mean after three boys will we know how to raise a girl. And then seriously I'm the furthest thing from girlie. My husband wears more jewelry than I do. If men wore makeuphe probably would wear more than me too. He is more o a girl than I am. I can only guess at what to do. My poor daughter!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

It feels like I should just sleep all day today

It's obvious I can't do that. But for some reason I feel like I should just stay in bed all day maybe even all week and all week next week. Tomorrow is my next drs appt I'm dreading the appt with two kids getting blood drawn and the fact that I have to pretty much go all morning without eating since my appt is at 12:15. I'm really ready to not be pregnant. My 6 year old had a wonderful day yesterday. I am so proud of him. He did well (passed it) the first testing phase for th gifted program. Apparently only three of the students made I passed that phase and my big man was one of them. He also got on the highest color purple for his bhavior in class. Then he came home and he did His homework and pretty much spelled the word nothing on his own. I only guided him in the direction of how, he already knew bow to make up his own sentence using the site word on the homework. Yesterdays happened to be all and hIs sentence was, we all have nothing. Not perfect by he is only in kinder. Either way he tried he did it a d I'm very proud of him. Things have been ok with my husband and I. I think we are on week 3 of not fighting. I am still exhausted though. There is still alot on my mind but that's probably because I'm still that worst case scenerios person. I don't think I will really change though.It also looks as if we need to invest in a new laptop. I think my computer is finally on it's last leg! Oh well next year cause this year there is just too much going on to even think of a new laptop. Taxes weren't as awesome as we had hoped oh well at least the one thing we really really need we will be able to afford getting sometime before the baby comes. We really need an upright freezer for the garage so I can pump milk and store it plus when I start making the baby food and then 4 kids we have got to start buying food in bulk. Today I get a costco card! I'm excited. This will help out with buying in bulk. Now only to get the really nice foodsaver for freezing the foods. My old one doesn't work very well. We also need to replace our couch. Just something that's notripped. I don't have a current working sewing machine ao I can't do much In that area right now. One day though I will have a new embroidery machine that works awesome. Plus a yudu screenprinting machine! A good friend from highschool who is pregnant with me has inspired me that one of these days I will open my own little business from home! She does website design (not sure if she reads this though but I think she's awesome) and today she added on another client! That is so awesome! I want to work out of my home and actually have some kind of steady income. This way I feel as if I'm contributing but I do t have to give up my kids not having me home during the day. One day one day!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Working hard, and hardly working

Does anyone know the reason why someone who just may not believe, or in a sense, they do believe in God, but they just don't go to church but yet it seems like everything bad happens to them, never anything really great? But yet those who do attend church, call themselves Christians but towards others, are some of the worst people ever?

My husband and I had this conversation last night.
I totally understand what he's saying, however, I don't think its very fair. I'm not referring to me by any means. We've had good and bad things happen to us over our lifetime so far. Sometimes it seems like the bad outweigh the good, but in reality, I am really learning to be grateful for all that I have because I have so much. I've got three wonderful crazy fun sons and one more little one on the way. When I was younger, I had never even thought about kids for the most part. When my husband and I married, we both never talked about our life with more than two kids in it period. We will have four in 2010. My kids are one of the easiest ways to make me smile. Seeing their little smiles. Even Jordan, my charming 6 year old. He amazes me, and I two nights ago I hit rock bottom again because of him. I realized that I really need to work on being a much better mom to my kids. They deserve so much better.

So I am going to try my hardest to do better as a parent, as a daughter, and as a wife and even a friend.

Monday, January 25, 2010

It's been a long night

I have alot on my mind throughout the night. Aside from the lovely pregnancy uncomfortableness I have also done alot of thinking. It is time for me to really be forgiven for my mistAkes as my husband has already said. The problem was some of the smaller mistakes I held on as anger towards my husband when in reality it was myown fault. I felt as if I couldn't talk to him either. So early this morning I got up And I prayed I actually really spoke out loud rather than whispering under my breath and I asked for forgiveness along with the strength to bring it all up with my husband this morning. I haven't brought it up as of yet but do plan to when it's time to get up. I need the weight lifted and I can't do this one alone. I need him for this one. I also need to pray over my sweet 6 year old today. I have helped bring him so much tension and hurt that I feel I have failed him. He had a rough night again with him talking in his sleep. I wanted to hug him and just tell him everything will be ok. Which I am holding faith that my husband and I can make it all ok for him.I am coming to realize it won't be just the two of us who does this we need God now.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Back to Yesterday

I realize today is a new day. I'm not expecting much today. More than likely today will be cleaning day. Yesterday was a horrible way to end the week and start the weekend. Even though nothing majorly bad happened, it just seemed as if every little small detail of everything, just went wrong. It was really annoying and tiring, and it just didn't help my stress level at all.

I need to get over yesterday and start with today.
Which I'm going to try, I can't promise anything at all.

Friday, January 22, 2010

There really isn't much to say this afternoon. I'm sitting outside (well sort of) while all of my boys, even the little GO GO munchkin (my 1 year old) plays outside with his brothers. Nothing good has really happened today, in fact, I'd have to say more bad little things have gone wrong than anything else. But I'm still determined to not give up!

So this is what it means when it can get worse

I'm really fighting it this morning.

But I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm not going to let it tear me down. One thing that I did understand when I spoke with Pastor, was that it was going to get worse before it got better. Well if the devil is doing his work at this point, I am standing up to it, and determined that I will have a good day. It won't be the best day, but I will get through it, and I'm going to keep praying that everything gets better.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A tough start to the morning

Another tough start this morning, last night was ok. After we put the boys to bed, we watched about 30 minutes of tv and then I got up and went on to bed and read a little before falling asleep. I finished reading chapter 2 in The Power of a Praying wife. And actually found that it applied to this week. The chapter was titled "His work". I will be honest, I may not have encouraged him as much as I should have over the years, but I did try at least I felt I did. But I will admit that I hadn't prayed, although last week, I did because last week was when he had his meeting in the first place. Now we're just waiting on the actual results and we're hoping to find out tomorrow.
I also read some of my bible, and I still can't say that it doesn't feel much more than a story to me. An interesting story. I know the conclusion I had come to, was that I needed to read it and then just decide to believe it. Well I have already made the decision to believe it. I'm working on it. I've also prayed about it.

So yesterday I got quite a bit done, well sort of. I got the Christmas tree and christmas decor taken down and put in the attic. I also cleaned up some downstairs. I made a pretty decent veggie soup last night for dinner which the boys didn't care for of course. Logan liked it though. Today I will be working on getting the older boys bunk beds put back together so I can move the crib into the bedroom for Logan. He will sleep in there tonight. Tomorrow I have plans of cleaning up my bedroom. It's going to be kind of crappy in the nursery with no crib, but we really won't need the crib to start anyway with the newbie. Since she will sleep in our room in the bassinet. If we're lucky this one won't learn how to pull up at an early age like the oldest two boys did. Logan slept in the bassinet till he was I think about 6 months old. Then we moved him to the playpen in our bedroom, and now, he has to move out of our room. With just over two months left, I have to say, it is fast approaching. As much as I'm ready, I'm also not ready. But we're working on it.

All in all, the weekend was really good. The last couple of days have been a little bit of a struggle though. I'm working on it.

The week will be good though, hoping for an exceptional day tomorrow for all of us!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My husband is a dashing man!

And we are having a wonderful evening. Blog to come in the morning of today's events!
I thought i would change it up a but and write tonight. Our weekend went well for the most part. We got to meet my husbands sisters newbie which I must admit was so weird.One it was a girl and two so tiny. We are not used to little. On Sunday we went to church and then to walmart and later that evening we all took Jordan to his birthday party he was invited to. I was so impressed with how much my husbnd interacted with the othr parents which happen to be parents of students in jordans class. This morning we took the boys to see Alvin and he chipmunks. Although this mornin jordan wasn't feeling so great. He will be at home tomorrow.
On sunday at church I put Logan in the nursery for the service. That is a first for me it wasn't easy but I did prAy about it prior and even during and I managed to make it through.luckily my husband was wearing pants and not shorts or his leg might have been scratched some from my nervous thinking. But I did make it through and so did logan. I am hoping for a good week again thus week. Good works for me!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

It's Saturday morning now! I am surprised at how fast the week has gone. Yesterday went well although most of the morning I didn't feel the best, but I had finally gotten up and had a little more energy. So while I didn't get a huge project done I did do the floors in the kitchen. So while I ate dinner we watched bones which is quite amusing because neither one of us really felt like watching tv much this past week so we didn't actually know the shows had come back on we have our DVR set to record certain shows we like. These tv shows were actually the only thing my husband and I really ever did together before. When I talk about the little changes that have been happening I have to place this one as a huge change along with the video games. I hope it lasts though. I usuLly go to bed not long after we put the boys upstairs for bed and usually I'm saying goodnight to my husband and asking if he is coming to bed soon. So many times I rewake up to him nOt in bed and he's still on the couch playing video games or watching tv. This week we have played a little video games together. It has been so nice to go to bed with him though. To have him next to me. I did not prAy for this exactly but rather just for our marriage for us to get better. I can't expect every ideal of marriage to be exactly how I want it. So getting this has been amazing. I feel much closer to him now.
Yesterday evening after watching bones together I we t on to read the bible I was given. I still haven't gotten past that it sounds like a story to me. After discussing why Jesus tells his mother it is not his time yet when she points out that the people have no wine for the celebration and the way the words are written she is implying that Jesus make them wine. I don't understand why he says it's not my time yet if he goes ahead and does it. These are the things that mAke me just think that someone used some history in their writing and told a great story. Which brings me to another question. If people are able to believe the bible as what really happened, why can nobody (adult wise) actually believe there is magic and Santa is real? I know many that do believe I God but will not allow their kids to believe in the magic of Santa. I am by far not looking down upon those who do that but just asking if they can't believe I Santa how did they come to believe that the bible is
ore than just some peoples story telling throughout the life. Giving them or other people something they can believe in throughout their life.
So of course I wanted to know how my husband came to the conclusion and as we were laying in bed I asked him. I asked what mAde him believe it. He answered and asked me not to ask him further questions on the bible And what it means because he felt he couldn't explain it correctly. I tried to explain though my side which made refernece to the devil which is something he had always thrown out at me that the devil is doing this. But yet it could never have been the devil making him throw his marriage away so he could continue to go to the church? After a year of going back and forth with him about the church and my husband and I attempting other churches and not because of me but him sstoppi g and refusing to go elsewhere with me did I finally get to the point that it was me or the chuRch. He was willing to throw his marriage away and chose the church. This comes In very close in regArds to painful, emotional and just literally had me sunk to an all time low. Since then I have never been able to tAlk about this situation that we went through and not break down into tears. After 9 years of the emotional feelings about so ething I did I still get emotional about it but it has gotten a little easier for me. I would like to think my husband did play a part in helping me. I will admit I do not forgive myself because one event spiraled the next year of my life to a breaking point that it wasn't until I had met my husband an then became pregnant with my oldest son that I finally started changing my life around. After that I felt as if I had become someone totally different. Things I enjoyed before I have even come to the point of forgetting the things I did. At that point I became mommy and I really feel like ever since the day I had Jordan everything else was lost. I still don't know what it is like to not just be mommy. But really only today had beentbe first time I have written about my husband ready to throw his marriage away and I didn't emotionally break Down In tears and just bawl about it for a bit. As I wrote it just now I did have to wipe away tears as it still stings. When I was in the meetin with the Pastor on we'd I broke down when I talked about it too. I have talked about it to many people and I have had others say he was at fault too but that i shouldn't have asked for him to leave a church. In other words the way I took so e conversations regarding it is that we should have talked about it and come to the conclusion that we needed to find a different church that we were both comfortable at. I am still not sure I am comfortable at Grace. I still have my reserves about it which I believe could possibly keep me from feeling anything of the nature. But again I am trying. I still love my husband although I will admit a week ago if he would have left without a word or fight I would not have stopped him. After the last 7 years of it always being something I couldn't even bringmyself to remember any of the really good times we did actually have. Between being pregnant and all of the emotions where I had completely fallen out of love with my husband the last year and the start of this pregnancy had really taken it's toll on me physically. I had hit rock bottom so many times that sometimes I had wished someone would have committed me! But things are starting to turn around. Yesterday I got an email from my husband And I believe other than asking me something or reminding me something I don't get emails or letters. I could count on my two hands how many I have gotten even when he was on deployment. But I do remember a poem be had written me while on deployment. That was the most beautiful poem I had ever read. Because it was written for me. It got me through the deployment. I have since gotten a few others like just it was getting so bad and he was leaving and possibly going back into lousiana after katrina had just hit And people were shooting and all he wrote me an amzing letter that I had gotten to read when I got back from taking him to the base. It kept my love for him zgoing at the time. And just as we have hit Rock bottom in our marriage right now we had hit it back then too. So again I had gotten an email from him yesterday and I cried. It was great to hear the words of encouragment and In a way hear him believe we will make it through this last rock bottom patch and we will make it to be an old couple awaiting our grandchildrens arrival. We will stay a family a d life will be so much better. I have another meeting with the pastor today. I prayed last night that the on thing I do not do is vent about my husband which is what I did last time. I hope I can do it.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Feeling a little off

This morning I was a bit off, despite that I made sure to do everything I had planned. So far I'm doing good keeping up with those things. Basically I'd like to make them a daily ritual and if I can just do things one way for a week straight, it very well could be easier to do every day from then on. This weekend I'll be 28 weeks along. It's fast approaching, nothing done yet. But it'll get done! It has to!

This morning I was feeling a little crampy, hopefully its just my uterus streching, of course I wouldnt see why my uterus would need restretching at this point. My third was so big, you'd think all the work was done for this one!

I haven't yet had a chance to read today. I plan to, I'm hoping my two that are home right now will go take a nap, I need to lay down for a bit as well, but then I hope to actually read after.

Overall, aside from Sunday and Monday, this week was good. I don't need exceptional except on those exceptional days. My days were filled with stress, depression, and anger (fighting). I have seen a change in our little family. We even had a dinner meeting on Wed as per our 3 year old asking for.

I am looking forward to the weekend though. No school on Monday, so there will be lots of work getting done in the house.

Now- I rest!

I have been up early every morning

I almost think I need to go to bed early to be Able to continue this every morning. Yesterday was a pretty good day. Earlier in the week I apologized to some friends for the way I act just in general. As my husband has pointed out in the past and something that I do realize now I have problems making friends especially with other women because in my past my friends had really let me down. Growing up I lost so many of my best friends. While I will admit some of them had no control over the events that went on. Others did, and ultimately really just left me hanging. This took a huge toll on my life and how I was with others. I have become very guarded. My life had become only of my kids and husband. I never wanted to go out with friends despite a small longing of wishing I had just one friend to talk to even. When we first got Here to Texas I had felt I had no friends. I realize we all mAke mistakes and one of mine w a treating others as if I didn't want them around. I a. Truely sorry for acting like that towards them.
So on to the events of yesterdAy. I was I Invited to a friends house where they are kind of a small group of friends. I only got to stay a little while And I felt rude for having to leave rather quickly after getting there. I did feel a little out of place but more so because I felt I had nothing to contribute. I really feel like the only thing I know anymore is kids specfically my kids. I really want to apologize if I seemed a bit quiet as I take awhile to warm up to people. I am working on that. YesterdY when my husband got home he had a gift for me. A friend got me a bible and even had my name put on it. now it's a application study bible and I'm not sure what it means to be that. Ut I did sit down and start reading after the event last night. I didn't read for very long but I willbe continuing to read. I started onthe book of John and I haven't gotten far
aybe 6 pages into it. I have to admit it really feels so far like a story book right now. I hope I don't offend anyone with that comment if I did I'm very sorry. I'm not sure how else to explain how I percieved the words. I am also very much so not in far I to reading it. Yet. I will read each day as much as my kids and chores at home allow me to. I also need to reread my book today. I want to Say thank you for the bible and journal. I read the note you a placed inside and when I read it it really gave some comfort. I do feel like an idiot in this regards and I am slowly trying to let go of that in hopes of it helping me to learn to ask for help when I need it. I also hope I don't let anyone down. I'd also like to thAnk those friends of mine who have been emailing me with the encouragement. Nobody other than my family has ever been encouraging or supportive of me so having even the shortest email saying I'm doi g great keep it up is really just a wonderful feeling. So today holds cleaning and reading and playing with my kids. I askedfor help In understanding the bible and my book among the biggest thing for me to understand my husband. I really want that life with him . I want us tobe the couple others envy and want to be just like. I want him to be proud of me and I want to not feel like there is someone better out there for him. ( he is not saying that it's just kind of how I've felt especially lately). Smoothies for breakfast today!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I'm up again

And of course that means I'm a but stressed out. I am hoping this is just a test and that if I keep going today and continue as I have been today will be still a good day. I have to admit the start of this wasn't what I expected. I really thought that things would feel great. My expectations are probably higher than they should be considering I am still on.the fence about all of it. But good days are still great though.
I am trying to keep the morning struggle at bay right now. I am the morning person in our familiy and my husband is by far not. In fact he stays up all night and we are always separate in the rooms in the evenings. The last three nights (and despite fighting) we have been in bed at what is a more normal decent hour (9 ish or so which is about my usual bed time) and the biggest thing of all is that he has been more awake in the mornings. Overall since I started praying for him (and me ) I have noticed a huge change in both of us. I will not lie though I'm still not sure about this all which is what I am struggling with right now. I have alot I need understand, but I must admit that my eyes are open wide to all of this. My husband is fasting right now, which I am not doing ( I already don't eat as I should because of the stress I had been under so yeah Im not going to add to that one) while I am proud of him for sticking to what he believes in i also worry. I am trying to bring myself to a point where I don't nag him about it. It is a bad idea to nag and it's not that I just want him to break (not going to Lie I wish he would) but rather that I do worry about his health in this situation. He assures me if there is a problem he will do something about it, and i do realize I need to trust him in this matter and try to support him instead of nagging him. I am asking for help with that. So I want to talk about one ofthe things I prayed for yesterday for my husband. He had his meeting with his manager and it regarded him getting his raise because he did complete his training despite the lack of time he had during work. While we aren't sure what his raise is for sure he is ok with it, whatever of however much it is. I say this because at first I had prayed that he would get the s
amount he wanted as I really believe he deserved it. However I realized yesterday it really wasn't the amount that mattered but rather that he was content with what he got and felt worth it all. So just before he went in I had prayed again about it. Just asking for God to be with him and to help him through whatever was said in his meeting. My husband left his meeting with a good attitude. Let me say that any other time he probably would have just been angry and I would have felt the tense feeling when he came home. Venting is fine but tense stresses everyone else out. I think we were doing this to each other though. So he was not the only one at fault with that. I hope all of this rubs off on our sons and we can change the boys attitude towards everything if only just a little. I know we are really only on the third day but I am seeing changes with us and I hoppe it sticks. So despite my indegestion I have had all week now ( I mean really really bad) and despite the struggles of getting up each day. And of course we can't forget theexpectations I had but need to let sink in that good is great too. As I keep saying i am taking baby steps

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Summary of my life together with my husband

I was talking to my husband and I asked him if he were to summarizes our life together, what would he say or write.
I have not read his response yet, although I believe he responded. Instead I wanted to write my response down.

Our life in a nutshell was that I had already had my issues prior to meeting him, and despite how hard I tried to not "get involved" at first, I got involved. We got pregnant, got married before the baby was born, had our first son, dealt with a disappointing deployment and moved on to a new chapter. We went through life as the military family, had more kids, got out of being a military family, and learned to adjust, however throughout all of that, if you added up the time we have spent fighting with each other, it probably comes out to at least 9 months out of 12 months each year.

I went to my meeting with the Pastor of the church my husband attends, I say my husband because I haven't fully yet devoted myself to saying my church. I am still at odds with the idea.
I really am happy that I gave it my best and went forward with the meeting, despite my mind going crazy. I admit I was very nervous, I can't open up to people, and I wasn't sure how I would feel but I let out what I needed, for the most part. I did hold back some things I will admit. I did exactly what I thought I wouldn't do, and I actually will admit, I did what I didnt want to do either. I didn't want to just vent about my husband. I have been doing that for the last 7 years, venting is not getting me anywhere at all. There is no way to unfold the events of the last 7 years and even then some in the hour we were in. I actually left there feeling more scatter brained about our history than anything else.

But that might be what I needed though. Although I doubt it, maybe it means I'll be able to let the past go. Well not fully the past, because there were good times too, but the bad times. The hurt, and pain that I always felt coming out of most of the things that have happened.

My husband is a great man, I really do believe that, and I have always believed that. But then there is doubt.
Right now, which is something I did say today, is that I don't know where I stand with the whole believing in God. I was honest about that. I don't know whats going to come of it. And thats what worries me the most because if I don't, will my husband and I still make it? He has his own insecurities which I think is something I am taking from the book. I am trying not to think about those things that could be, because its obvious I can't actually change them. He's been on his path for the last two years. I think this is why I really didn't like the church and wanted to move on from it.
So I checked my email not to long ago and I found it amusing what I read. I have never been one to actually believe my horoscope but over the years I have had a few chuckles after reading it and the words could apply to the current situation. Kind of like what happens when you read a fortune from a fortune cookie and the sentence makes sense and almost while rare it could possibly apply to your life. Well today's horoscope says to follow your heart. So I chuckle because if I did follow my heart everytime i would have left my husband everytime we have fought about things and talked about divorce. Most recently I would have said again last night that we really needed to do the separation still. We did not fight about anything yesterday. But I will say we didn't talk much either. Part of that was because I chose to not talk. So many times when I do actually say what I feel it's taken the wrong way by him. I do that to him too and I think we are both working on that. Ultimately I have to say I hope everything starts getting better soon. I hope that despite how much I didn't want to get out of bed this morning and push myself to move that because I did it means I'm trying. I could have easily found an excuse not to go today but instead I'm here almost an hour early, because of traffic I left after I took my kids to schhol but apparently it's not as bad as it usually is because I'm here waiting as it would be pretty dumb to go all the way home now.
last night after we put our kids to bed my husband dealt with the dogs and I prayed again. This time I changed it just a little. One part I didn't not say this time, I have a hard time with the I must keep myself attractive and so on. I know my husband has no issues with me going to say a salon or to where ever to do any of this. I can't possibly be that type of person. I was not prior to marriage. I wore only a little make up and it was not everyday either. I also have never been good or great at cleaning. I hate it. I'm not saying I don't do it or try. But I am not near anyones standards or even my own for that matter. That was something I did change a little for me. I asked for help in that area because it does matter to me and I know it matters to my husband. I have moments when things are going very well. Currently my house is so messy because I'm working on organizing the house all over again. The garage is about halfway finished. The game room is finished except for me finding a gate to block off the baby play area. The boys bedroom was the next thing that was started on Sunday. Sunday I got into my depressed mood as I was upset with my husband. I ended up not working on their room and he went up to help them. I am hoping I have the energy to get it done today after my meeting with the pastor And picking my middle son up from school. We will see. I still have so much to do in the nursery to get ready for the new baby. I am so lost when it comes to this pregnancy. I'm starting to stray from the real topic though I am not quitting this and I will work hard to try and figure it out. I was told yesterday by A friend that I have a great heart. I haven't had a chance to respond or rather I didn't know what to respond. My husband has told me I have to learn how to take a compliment. That's something I have tried working on over the years. So I want to say thank you to her. I haven't always had the easiest time talking with other women. But yet other than a select few of the guy friends have I been able to talk to. Guys just always seemed so less nudging upon me. I had never been the type of girl people expected. I learned After graduating classmates were surprised I got married and had kids. I was actually told they had always thought I would be the cat lady. I will admit I never thought about those things growing up but I know when I thought of my ideal boyfriend it was going to be, at least in my dreams, prince charming who swept me off of my feet. So I k ow and actuLly knew that I was holding my husband to a standard that doesn't exist. I am so sorry for that. I knew of this long ago though. I believe that will be something I need actual words of wisdom to help me with. Even my husband has told me ( yes I hear you even though I don't respond) that I need to let that part go and stop depending on you to fix it all. This has been something you have said from the beginning of our relationship not just marriage. I need help with it and I do plan to ask for tha. Not just pray about it.

I need to get on to the topic of what happened last night. I asked for help last night despite now hard that is for me. I chickened out and looked for an excuse not to oldest son was actually not feeling well but my husband is very much so capable of handling his sons and even with one sick. I don't know if I give him enough credit out loud but I rather use my insecurity or paranoid lifestyle to avoid situations that I get antsy about. Talking and opening up to someone especially someone I haven't done that with before is by far the hardest thing for me. I really think it's why my husband thinks I am stand offish towards others even when I don't mean to be. I will admit the person I was to talk to I have known now for 6 years now. It's not like she is a stranger, but rather I pushed her away because I was still holding resentment towards her for something my husband did years and years ago. All of these things have tied in together. And I knew this over the last years however I just couldn't figure out how to change them or get rid of them from my heart and mind. While indont understand this book completely I do understand I must admit to my faults, and I know I have so many. This is why I'm writing them out. An approach I had never tried before in changing this. I said out loud in what I hope would be considered a prayer and said I want to let all of that go and I remind myself over and over again thAt I forgive my husband. I wanted to be closer with him last night And talk but I was afraid to. Those hurt feelings a
nd the scenerios just came rushing back and I started to feel like separating was the thing to do again. But I didn't want to tell him that or even speak about it because I was afraid of how bad it would get between us again. So I had to leave the house and try and figure it out. So I asked for help and then chickened out. I don't kN ow how to talk. I Have my meeting this morning with the pastor and honestly I have no clue how I am going to open up and get anything out. But I hope everyone who knows me see's that I am trying and to please forgive me if I fall short on this journey.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Power of a Praying Wife.

As I had wanted to, I went to the book store with my husband and picked up the book. Along with a couple cookbooks too that were on the bargin area. While my oldest kids took a bath and my youngest crawled around my bedroom this afternoon, I sat down to read the first chapter. I knew I wouldn't get further than the first chapter, and actually, I nearly stopped before finishing the first chapter, but I made myself return to it instead.
Not exactly because It was interesting, but because I really am trying.

I actually found myself asking for help in understanding the book.
I did the prayer at the end of the chapter, And I will continue to do the prayer at the end of the chapter each day. I also am planning to reread this chapter tomorrow in hopes that maybe, rereading it will help me to understand it.
As of right now, I'm a bit lost.

I have never been one of those who believed persay, although unless preached to constantly by a person, I have never had any issues with someone who does believe. That was one thing I really disliked about Christianity, was the preaching some would do. And certainly, the attacks on other religions or others who are not what the person agrees with. 
A generalization in my eyes could really hurt and stun a person and they don't know it, and while it may be something that person believes or doesn't believe in, unless you know every detail of someones life, certain generalizations I believe should stay out of it.  So while I think its ok to state I believe or don't believe in say Gay marriage I feel its not wise to make the comment of if  You're Gay then you will go to hell or whatever the case might be.

So this was kind of a reason why I steered clear of that life.  I'll admit that over the last year since I agreed to attend Grace church with my husband, I have done it out the fact that I felt more obligated.  I felt like my husband wanted me to become someone I am not or someone I feel I can't be. I'm still at odds with it on if  this will really happen and in a way, I feel almost as if my husband is watching me and hoping for something and I'm not sure I will be able to live up to it for him.  I think this is also keeping me from understanding the book. I am not the one who believes as the book speaks, but rather the one who doesn't. I do agree and understand the part where I need to change certain things about me, but I am hoping that if this is really true that it won't keep the results away as she also believes. I can admit I don't have a pure heart in this, but I believe it is due to I don't understand alot of it, which is making me doubt I can even do it let alone if it will really change our marriage.  I really do agree I need to change and learn to let go. I do hold alot of resentment from others, almost as much as I do to my husband. I have tried for the last two years to learn to let the past go, whatever the approach I had taken over these last two years, it hasn't worked for me, so I agree, I need to figure out something different. But I haven't quite grasped how to do that even still.

My day today was supposed to be great. I felt energized this morning. The first part of the morning was really just great and I mean that genuinely. Now as my day went on, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't just as exceptional as I'd really hoped it to be or I think I was looking at. When I sat down to read the book, that may have also taken its place with me and influenced how I read precieved the book. I hope trying to reread that chapter will help me understand it better.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment time with the Pastor of my husbands church. I am not sure how it will go. Only that my question will be, "Where do I start?"

The week has begun!

It was a long long weekend. Despite getting the gameroom cleaned, a date night on Friday night, Sunday ended up being one of the worst days I'd had in awhile, when Monday came, it didn't end up much better.
But as pregnancy, and just stress would have me, I was awake at 2 am and searching for an answer.
My husband and I hit rock bottom in our marriage yet again. I say yet again, because I have been fighting the same fight for the last two years, and then it doesn't even count how much we have fought over the four years prior to that. Somehow though, we have managed to stick around and together.
Sunday night though, my husband and I were very hateful to each other. I mean the worst we'd ever been. I was really ready for it all to be over. Pregnancy hormones were probably not making me feel any better about any of it either. 
However though, I felt it was time to make a change, at first I will admit I was starting to take the wrong approach in these matters.  Yesterday i felt  that my husband and I should finally make the move of separating. I was to the point of I really had no fight left in me for our marriage. If it ended, so be it, although it was not my intentions for it to just end.   I knew me asking for him to leave the church he loves so much was asking alot, but in a way I needed it to happen, but yet if I had asked him, I would only have my heart broken again. The last two days, I have felt empty.

Now what brought me to reality early this morning, as I couldn't sleep of course. When I am stressed out, I really do not sleep at all. So I played with my phone a little bit. Kind of read friends responses to the events that had happened, and in a way took some advice to heart. I've had several friends tell me to read The power of a Praying Wife. Now here's a little back story on me. I don't believe, or rather now, I don't know what I believe exactly, but the first twenty pages, had me thinking, and I gave it a shot. I have this thing about me, I couldn't and wouldn't dare (at least at this point) speak out loud, but to myself I tried it. I put aside the fact that I felt stupid for talking to something that I didn't really know for sure was there. And as my husband slept, and my youngest son, in and out of our bed this morning, I curled up next to my husband and I prayed. At first it started off with saying what the book told me to say, until I finally realize that what the book said was not exactly what I wanted and needed. It was really hard to not pray for me to a sense, as the book said not to, And there were words that I think I used that started to sound a little selfish, but when I continued it was like my husband woke up, and knew what I was saying and doing.  It was kind of like it worked, something told him to hang on to me.   I am going out to actually purchase the book today, and I am planning to print out the study guide for this book.
I know my husband and I are now far from perfect, but I really really do believe that this was a huge start for me. I still can't say what happened, because I haven't quite figured that part out for myself yet, but I can say that I was able to really look at my husband and say, "I love you" and get the feeling I have always felt I should have when I say it. It wasn't out of habit, or the plain I love you, it was a real I love you.