Friday, September 16, 2011

My Miracles

As I sit here typing and watching my two youngest children playing together, I am amazed. Amazed at how much they really teach us. Without a doubt, they fight, but there is also a bond of love they share. These two are 16 months apart in age and I believe they will always be close, like they are today. These two have taught me to smile, despite the two eggs my two year old took off the stove, and I find them broken on the floor in the kitchen, later finding the third egg because i stepped on it. I have had hugs when my son saw me in tears, and the smile of my daughter who lights up a room with her laughter. 

Yesterday afternoon, I sat and watched my daughter taking her nap in her playpen. I had some of the strangest thoughts. My daughter is my miracle, (and so are my boys, so please don't take anything to heart) I was never a person who thought of what life would be like when I had my family, until, I actually had my family. When my husband and I had our first son, I remember thinking the day we found out for sure that  we were having a boy, on my husbands 21st birthday,that this is perfect, we will have one more, a daughter and she will have a big brother to look after her. When we had our second child, this was very awkward at first finding out we were pregnant, because we had never had a time line for baby number two. And of course, our child had their own time line. I recall saying from the beginning, we're having a girl every chance I got. I will admit, my heart was a little sad the day we found out we were having another boy. I recall telling them check again are you sure. That day I remember walking out of there and deciding a new plan. When would we have baby number three, our girl.  It did take a little getting used to saying two boys, but indeed we did, and when we came home from the hospital, I saw a big brother who was so very proud, and it made me proud to be the mother of these two little boys. For quite awhile, we were content, but then we had more changes to come. We bought our first house, and decided it was time for our last baby. This time, I had a time line, which of course, was not the same as our third child's time line. I was somewhat devastated to find out we were having another boy. And for a day, I was sad. Through the rest of that pregnancy, I grew to love and bond with my third son. I was ready for the challenge of three boys. My youngest son, is by far my most dominating son out of the three. I recall bringing him home and remembering his big brothers trying to hold him but he really didn't want anyone else to hold him. And now at 2, he is so very stubborn, much like his oldest brother was by this time. By the time I had him, I was over the idea of having my own little girl. Biologically we felt we were done having kids and I had begun to think one day, just maybe one day, I'd be able to adopt a little girl and bring her into our lives and she'd have three older brothers to look out after her. My time line was not on schedule with the little girl who would come into our lives. When my youngest son was nearly 7 months old, we found out we had a surprise, another baby coming. This pregnancy took it's toll on me, physically and mentally. I will admit because yes, I thought I was going to have another boy. I complained A LOT that pregnancy, it was very hard on me.  Even when they said "girl" I waited for the next ultrasound to tell me it was a boy. I had no hopes of a girl, I think a part of me bonded with thinking it was another boy. The couple weeks leading up to her birth by yet another csection, I had a few issues. Nothing too major, but for me, it felt major at the time. My daughter was born in early April, and I remember laying on the table just waiting for them to finish, and my husband was with her. I hadn't seen her yet and I was very nervous, just ready for it to be over with, and it just seemed to take a very long time to get through the csection. I remember asking the person behind me if it was still a girl. He laughed and said yes, it's a girl. A few moments later, which had seemed more like hours later, my husband brought her over to me. She was beautiful and certainly a little princess. By the time surgery was over, I was exhausted. I mean sleepy exhausted. I remember trying to nurse my little girl, and feeling so tired. I didn't have this experience with the others. And I did indeed nurse all three of them, however, the first two not as long as I had hoped. I felt defeated but relieved when I allowed my husband to feed her one bottle just to get her blood sugar up. I still didn't sleep though. This little girl was my little girl, but despite all of this, I felt no bond with her.I felt giddy,later that night. But I didn't feel much else. I wasn't as proud as I had been about my boys. It took a little while before I became that proud mom that I am. The time line may not been right, but my kids had it right all along.My little girl came to me, just as my little boys came to me. I am lucky!!! And amazed everyday at how they grow.

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