Monday, April 26, 2010

Please don't judge

If I can be a story for anyone I hope it's the story of why you do not judge people. I am 26 years old and yes I have four kids. My first was born when I was 20 my second was born almost three years later. My third was born two in half years after him. I felt I was done at this point. After 3 csections that had no complications I wasn't exactly on board with chancing a fourth csection. Not to mention there were other things going on in my life. I felt three boys were all I would have! Maybe later when they were old enough I might be able to adopt, but that was a slim chance as well. I have been married to my husband for nearly 7 years. Our marriage is much better than it has ever been in those 6 years, but it didn't get better until about 4 in half months ago. In fact it was really bad just after I had my third son which was in dec 2008. Emotionally, everything was a huge mess. I really resented my life, the only things that were keeping me going were my three kids. But I was a total wreck! My husband and were fighting day in and day out. Throughout the years we had had several bit blowouts which always seemed to appear just after we had on of ours. Things always got better for the duration of the pregnancy but it always seemed it would get worse just after and of to add it would be a bigger blowout than the last big blow out. And after having my third it that's exactly where my head was. We had our biggest fight in feb just two months after he was born. And it hadn't really calmed down unless you count the events that happened and took focus away from our fighting but really it was still there. Then I found out I was pregnant. My third was just 7 months old sti very much my baby. The day I found out I cried. I freaked out and I felt like the worst mom ever! I had a positive pregnancy test and I hoped it was a false positive. I really felt like it was a bad joke. I was not in a position to have a fourth child, but there was no other choice if I was pregnant then I was having another baby. Then I had the thoughts about what was going to happen to my husband and I. Our fighting would become less I was sure during the pregnancy but it would pick back up after. Then there was if we just went ahead and divorced. I was alone and felt like I might lose my other kids too since I wouldn't be able to work ( nobody seems to hire pregnant ladies not to me tip. I hadn't worked in 5 years nobody was going to hire me because of when my last job was) so I will admit I did not want to be pregnant. I would cry about it I was so lost at the time. The pregnancy was overall very hard. Emotionally, and physically. I complained alot during my pregnancy. I think the only reason why my husband didn't lock me into a room when he was home was because I think he knew how hard it was for me. I know there Are women who can't have a baby, and I am really sorry if those had heard my complaints, but before you stop and judge someone who is pregnant, and complaining, walk away if it bothers you, because ultimately you have absoultely no idea what has happened to that person on why It is so hard for them.

I love my daughter she is a wonderful gift from my husband and I as my sister says my grandmothers last gift. She passed away two days before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. We have completed our family now despite what we thought. I feel lucky to have my little girl and there is a big part of me that feels really horrible for how I felt during my prEgnancy and so in reality I don't need anyone to make comments about how much I complained during my pregnancy.

So please before you comment stop and think because what I have written in this blog doesn't even hit half of the things that happenEd during the last 8 years of my life.

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