Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Old habits die hard!

Life is getting back to a sense of normalcy. Having for children has changed it especially when it comes to how tired I am and how quickly that it comes out. Life was doing ok while I was pregnant well as ok as it could be with all of my complaining about still being pregnant. Four kids is alot. But really life is only as easy as your kids make it for you. Right now my two oldest sons are in a phase. Not the leave me alone I'm goingto be in my room listening to depressing music or talking on the phone with a girl I like. Believe me I welcome those phases at this point. Instead at the ripe youngag of 6 in a half my oldest son is telling us he wants to be adopted by someone else. This was something my son who I really feel is to old for his actual age, has said things like this since he was two! Yes I specifically rmember one day when we were visiting my parents he told me in the car by walgreens on the corner of southside blvd and Atlantic that he wanted new parents! Ugh! He didn't even have a brother at this age! I don't even think I was pregnant with my second son yet. It's really hard to get through to him. He also hates going to school and he is in kindergarten. Isn't there something wrong with that one!?

And then we have the second oldest, he is in that phase where he is whining, and lying when he does things like pooping in his pants on accident. Plus he tells us his brother bit him but he didn't. Life is just easy peasy! We won't get into the last two who still need mommy constantly.
And then there's me. I feel like everything is rushing back. I am starting to think about the past all over again. I feel like I'm redoing alot of those things. And no matter how hard I try to break away from thr same old habits. They creep right back in. I feel like I keep shutting down and there isn't anyone to talk to. I've had a hard time explaining how I've been feeling to my husband. Overall I feel exhausted again. I would like to blame it on post partum depression but I don't think it's that. I think it's just old habits coming back. I mean seriously could I have been having post partum depression for the last ten years? I am even having trouble explaining my feelings on Here. I know some of it has to be from the fact that I have four little ones to start but I have always been proud of how icould handle my children. And now I doubt myself as a mom sometimes. I don't believe I'm super woman but I always believed that my strength to keep them all safe and sound came from my love for them. I don't love them any less than I ever had before. In fact I think it's the opposite that I added another little one to love and protect with everything I have.

I also have this hope of my family moving closer to us. I miss having them around. I miss having someone to go to the mall with even if I don't buy clothes. I miss having my mom around to talk to. To talk about my dreams with. I haven't even thought about my" dreams"

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