Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I want to be the one who stays oblivious

I'd like to be the one who stays oblivious to the children who are going through and fighting cancer, many losing their battle. I know this sounds wrong on so many accounts. I have been keeping up with several blogs since our friends had found out their son had a tumor. Before this tumor took this precious child from his parents, I had begun to read on several children going through this battle. Understanding what would be happening to our friend, would help us to explain to our children who had developed a good friendship with him. Caleb was right there in between my two oldest sons ages. My oldest took to him a lot more, which only goes to show, this little boy was wise beyond his years. I was also, no longer oblivious.

   It is always hard to see or read or hear a news story on a child with any disease. But it becomes much more of a reality when you know someone who goes through this first hand. It's the same thing with SIDS, until you know someone who has lost their child to it, you really don't think of it. No matter how many articles you read on it. It just never hits you.  I was oblivious to both, until I knew someone first hand. 4 years ago, I knew someone who lost their baby to SIDS. I can't imagine the pain from carrying your child for so long, and getting such a very short time with him. And then children with Cancer, babies with cancer. And these moms and dads hold their babies, and watch them go through pain to get better, and then they don't get better. This is where I want to say, I don't believe God could do this, if he's so great. How can a person watch a family go through this pain, watch these children go through this pain, to lose in the end? If there is a person who is ok with watching this, then they should go through,because it is NOT fair. And if God is as great as so many people believe, why would he allow this. I know the answer some, would give, "It's not God giving them Cancer" Ok, seriously, this is a cop out. I'm pretty sure the parents didn't say hey, lets give my kid cancer, and the devil, ok seriously, God would "let" the devil do this? I mean come on get real face reality when it comes to this. Either God is playing a sick joke or there is just the ideal of God and that's probably great for some people. I personally, just want to say screw it, and scream and yell because there are too many babies who are dying.
Now don't get me wrong, I am grateful that my 4 children are healthy children.  I know this sounds stupid, that I shouldn't blame myself, but I fear something will happen to my children, that I will lose one of them, and to something that I could have prevented, and I of all people should be thankful to God for keeping my children safe and with me, because I certainly do not deserve it by any means. And please don't write me telling me I have to forgive myself etc. These parents did NOTHING  any where near as bad as me and they didn't get the same "Gods mercy". So yes, I am so very thankful that my children are healthy, I am lucky.  But it's still not fair.
I am do not usually use these type of choice words but I really feel that a mother who just lost their child just after Mothers Day, said it perfect, "Fuck Mother Fucking Cancer".

I don't know these other children, but the words their moms and dads write, they are so real and I can feel their pain, even though I have never met them. I want to scream at God for them. These families are better than me, no doubt. I know I am a good mom, sometimes a great one, but these families, they have something else, because they aren't lashing out, but are keeping a Faith that I don't think I have ever had. I am amazed by it, but also wanting to lash out for them. It's really just not fair.

And I leave this entry with one phrase, "Thank you to whoever it is that needs to be thanked for keeping my children here and healthy."  I am very bad about it, but I really need to remember when they get into something, that at least they are here getting into it. So many other families don't have that, and I just feel like beating up something for them!

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