Yes the title says it all.
Yesterday my husband had me read one of the chapters in the book he's been reading for the mens group he attends with the Pastor.
The author of this book summed exactly how I feel a marriage should be.
The easiest term I can sum it up (but seriously if I don't explain myself right read chapter 15 in Honors Reward by John Bevere, because he really does explain how I see marriage).
I can see especially right now, that my husband should be the spiritual head of the house. In a sense, the head of the house if you have to actually put a person first. However, in the actual marriage sense, I always see that marriage should be equal. My husband is not exactly better than me, and I'm not better than him. We just might be better at certain things. In the sense, a marriage should equal one. So my husband should make up 50 percent of the marriage, and I should make up the other 50 percent of the marriage. This would be why being married to more than one person (i'm really meaning at a time not you get divorce and meet someone else and get married and its bad) As much as I'd personally rather not get divorced or see people get divorced I do realize sometimes it ends up being for the better for all. I just personally don't want to end up in a divorce. PLus, I invested 6 years of marriage so far and then some on my husband. Who would want a 27 year old with 4 kids? For the longest time, I'd always felt my husband didnt respect me, or my opinions, and always had the mindset man rules, woman stays at home pregnant and cleans cooks etc.
Growing up, I did not think this was my role, nor had would I have conformed to it back then. Strangely, I've conformed to it more than I wanted to honestly. I had never actually thought about kids when I was a teenager. Being in love didn't matter to me, heck, having a boyfriend didn't exactly matter to me.
I thought more about what I would do with my future, than who was going to be in my future. So I conformed much more to the pregnant wife at home ideal than what I had ever had in my mind.
I like being independent, I like that I am my own person and that I specifically do not have to have others to make me happy. But after being married, I've learned that it doesn't work exactly like that.
I will admit, I've envied my friends from high school who have the, just in a relationship, no kids, no real tie downs. They've done the career first etc.
I wanted that. I wanted to live on my own for awhile, do my own thing, with and without a boyfriend. I lived on my own for a little while, however it wasn't what I meant by it. For so many reasons. I wanted a career, at one point, I had planned to enlist in the air force. Several things stopped me, but sometimes I can't help but stop and think, it would have been so much different had I of taken that step and made a different life for me.
My independence didn't last very long at all. I quickly became dependent on my husband after meeting him, and as much as I will say when I met him, I did NOT want to get into anything serious with him, and I was in denial all in the beginning.
Now I dont want to air out dirty details, but I think my husband can say this too, (he's so much different now and going back and thinking about this only makes me love him even more right now). But neither one of us were ready for the relationship we made in the beginning. Chris, one of our friends pointed it out early on. And I think we both were in denial, but he was very much right, we should have gone our seperate ways early on. Now, that doesn't mean we wouldnt have still ended up together, come on we've made it this far , just the hard way. What would have happened had we of not of jumped into dating and then ultimately getting pregnant that early. He was there for two years, we may have stayed friends, he may have gone on deployment and come back a different person, and I may have gone and become a different person, and then our life might have started, and the right way at that.
But we didn't start off like that, we started off with two totally different mindsets of a relationship. Heck my husband hadn't dated much, and me, well lets just say, no relationship lasted long enough to mean anything.
So where do we take it from here, after 4 kids, a very rocky marriage the last 6 years (almost 7) and yeah the last month has been great for both of us. But where do we go from here. In a sense we need to start over. But thats impossible, can't send the kids away long enough to "date" Yeah there's the renewal of vows we can do. But will we have the ability to get over our old way of thinking, and even get over how we both treated each other in the past.
I have no plans for divorce, and do not wish for it by any means. But I am asking for help or advice on where do we go from here. How exactly do I get over the feelings of it and move on from it. In a way I feel there's a small void, there's things we didn't get to do, and we can't get those moments back. How do I just let it go, and not wish just a little bit, that we get those moments.
I think we both know what we did wrong, and we both know how to change it and we're working on that, but there's still that little part of me that wants it to start over in a way. Start from scratch, and get the little things back that we never got.
If you go back to remember the summary of my life with my husband, mine was alot different from what my husband said. We have had good moments, I mean we've had great moments through out our life. But despite not having those dreams when I was younger, I still had an idea in my head, that I'd have my fairytale. My fairytale meant a wonderful wedding (not pregnant), shared with friends and family, a honeymoon that didnt last an evening, the first month as newlyweds, still wrapped up in each other. There's just so much that I really have to say, I wanted, and the last 6 years were not even close to it. So how do we start over and get those moments back? or how do I just get over it. I hate that I envy those who get the chance to do it all the right way. Because what I do have is wonderful and I do know that.