Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The week has begun!

It was a long long weekend. Despite getting the gameroom cleaned, a date night on Friday night, Sunday ended up being one of the worst days I'd had in awhile, when Monday came, it didn't end up much better.
But as pregnancy, and just stress would have me, I was awake at 2 am and searching for an answer.
My husband and I hit rock bottom in our marriage yet again. I say yet again, because I have been fighting the same fight for the last two years, and then it doesn't even count how much we have fought over the four years prior to that. Somehow though, we have managed to stick around and together.
Sunday night though, my husband and I were very hateful to each other. I mean the worst we'd ever been. I was really ready for it all to be over. Pregnancy hormones were probably not making me feel any better about any of it either. 
However though, I felt it was time to make a change, at first I will admit I was starting to take the wrong approach in these matters.  Yesterday i felt  that my husband and I should finally make the move of separating. I was to the point of I really had no fight left in me for our marriage. If it ended, so be it, although it was not my intentions for it to just end.   I knew me asking for him to leave the church he loves so much was asking alot, but in a way I needed it to happen, but yet if I had asked him, I would only have my heart broken again. The last two days, I have felt empty.

Now what brought me to reality early this morning, as I couldn't sleep of course. When I am stressed out, I really do not sleep at all. So I played with my phone a little bit. Kind of read friends responses to the events that had happened, and in a way took some advice to heart. I've had several friends tell me to read The power of a Praying Wife. Now here's a little back story on me. I don't believe, or rather now, I don't know what I believe exactly, but the first twenty pages, had me thinking, and I gave it a shot. I have this thing about me, I couldn't and wouldn't dare (at least at this point) speak out loud, but to myself I tried it. I put aside the fact that I felt stupid for talking to something that I didn't really know for sure was there. And as my husband slept, and my youngest son, in and out of our bed this morning, I curled up next to my husband and I prayed. At first it started off with saying what the book told me to say, until I finally realize that what the book said was not exactly what I wanted and needed. It was really hard to not pray for me to a sense, as the book said not to, And there were words that I think I used that started to sound a little selfish, but when I continued it was like my husband woke up, and knew what I was saying and doing.  It was kind of like it worked, something told him to hang on to me.   I am going out to actually purchase the book today, and I am planning to print out the study guide for this book.
I know my husband and I are now far from perfect, but I really really do believe that this was a huge start for me. I still can't say what happened, because I haven't quite figured that part out for myself yet, but I can say that I was able to really look at my husband and say, "I love you" and get the feeling I have always felt I should have when I say it. It wasn't out of habit, or the plain I love you, it was a real I love you.

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