As I had wanted to, I went to the book store with my husband and picked up the book. Along with a couple cookbooks too that were on the bargin area. While my oldest kids took a bath and my youngest crawled around my bedroom this afternoon, I sat down to read the first chapter. I knew I wouldn't get further than the first chapter, and actually, I nearly stopped before finishing the first chapter, but I made myself return to it instead.
Not exactly because It was interesting, but because I really am trying.
I actually found myself asking for help in understanding the book.
I did the prayer at the end of the chapter, And I will continue to do the prayer at the end of the chapter each day. I also am planning to reread this chapter tomorrow in hopes that maybe, rereading it will help me to understand it.
As of right now, I'm a bit lost.
I have never been one of those who believed persay, although unless preached to constantly by a person, I have never had any issues with someone who does believe. That was one thing I really disliked about Christianity, was the preaching some would do. And certainly, the attacks on other religions or others who are not what the person agrees with.
A generalization in my eyes could really hurt and stun a person and they don't know it, and while it may be something that person believes or doesn't believe in, unless you know every detail of someones life, certain generalizations I believe should stay out of it. So while I think its ok to state I believe or don't believe in say Gay marriage I feel its not wise to make the comment of if You're Gay then you will go to hell or whatever the case might be.
So this was kind of a reason why I steered clear of that life. I'll admit that over the last year since I agreed to attend Grace church with my husband, I have done it out the fact that I felt more obligated. I felt like my husband wanted me to become someone I am not or someone I feel I can't be. I'm still at odds with it on if this will really happen and in a way, I feel almost as if my husband is watching me and hoping for something and I'm not sure I will be able to live up to it for him. I think this is also keeping me from understanding the book. I am not the one who believes as the book speaks, but rather the one who doesn't. I do agree and understand the part where I need to change certain things about me, but I am hoping that if this is really true that it won't keep the results away as she also believes. I can admit I don't have a pure heart in this, but I believe it is due to I don't understand alot of it, which is making me doubt I can even do it let alone if it will really change our marriage. I really do agree I need to change and learn to let go. I do hold alot of resentment from others, almost as much as I do to my husband. I have tried for the last two years to learn to let the past go, whatever the approach I had taken over these last two years, it hasn't worked for me, so I agree, I need to figure out something different. But I haven't quite grasped how to do that even still.
My day today was supposed to be great. I felt energized this morning. The first part of the morning was really just great and I mean that genuinely. Now as my day went on, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't just as exceptional as I'd really hoped it to be or I think I was looking at. When I sat down to read the book, that may have also taken its place with me and influenced how I read precieved the book. I hope trying to reread that chapter will help me understand it better.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment time with the Pastor of my husbands church. I am not sure how it will go. Only that my question will be, "Where do I start?"