I was talking to my husband and I asked him if he were to summarizes our life together, what would he say or write.
I have not read his response yet, although I believe he responded. Instead I wanted to write my response down.
Our life in a nutshell was that I had already had my issues prior to meeting him, and despite how hard I tried to not "get involved" at first, I got involved. We got pregnant, got married before the baby was born, had our first son, dealt with a disappointing deployment and moved on to a new chapter. We went through life as the military family, had more kids, got out of being a military family, and learned to adjust, however throughout all of that, if you added up the time we have spent fighting with each other, it probably comes out to at least 9 months out of 12 months each year.
I went to my meeting with the Pastor of the church my husband attends, I say my husband because I haven't fully yet devoted myself to saying my church. I am still at odds with the idea.
I really am happy that I gave it my best and went forward with the meeting, despite my mind going crazy. I admit I was very nervous, I can't open up to people, and I wasn't sure how I would feel but I let out what I needed, for the most part. I did hold back some things I will admit. I did exactly what I thought I wouldn't do, and I actually will admit, I did what I didnt want to do either. I didn't want to just vent about my husband. I have been doing that for the last 7 years, venting is not getting me anywhere at all. There is no way to unfold the events of the last 7 years and even then some in the hour we were in. I actually left there feeling more scatter brained about our history than anything else.
But that might be what I needed though. Although I doubt it, maybe it means I'll be able to let the past go. Well not fully the past, because there were good times too, but the bad times. The hurt, and pain that I always felt coming out of most of the things that have happened.
My husband is a great man, I really do believe that, and I have always believed that. But then there is doubt.
Right now, which is something I did say today, is that I don't know where I stand with the whole believing in God. I was honest about that. I don't know whats going to come of it. And thats what worries me the most because if I don't, will my husband and I still make it? He has his own insecurities which I think is something I am taking from the book. I am trying not to think about those things that could be, because its obvious I can't actually change them. He's been on his path for the last two years. I think this is why I really didn't like the church and wanted to move on from it.