last night after we put our kids to bed my husband dealt with the dogs and I prayed again. This time I changed it just a little. One part I didn't not say this time, I have a hard time with the I must keep myself attractive and so on. I know my husband has no issues with me going to say a salon or to where ever to do any of this. I can't possibly be that type of person. I was not prior to marriage. I wore only a little make up and it was not everyday either. I also have never been good or great at cleaning. I hate it. I'm not saying I don't do it or try. But I am not near anyones standards or even my own for that matter. That was something I did change a little for me. I asked for help in that area because it does matter to me and I know it matters to my husband. I have moments when things are going very well. Currently my house is so messy because I'm working on organizing the house all over again. The garage is about halfway finished. The game room is finished except for me finding a gate to block off the baby play area. The boys bedroom was the next thing that was started on Sunday. Sunday I got into my depressed mood as I was upset with my husband. I ended up not working on their room and he went up to help them. I am hoping I have the energy to get it done today after my meeting with the pastor And picking my middle son up from school. We will see. I still have so much to do in the nursery to get ready for the new baby. I am so lost when it comes to this pregnancy. I'm starting to stray from the real topic though I am not quitting this and I will work hard to try and figure it out. I was told yesterday by A friend that I have a great heart. I haven't had a chance to respond or rather I didn't know what to respond. My husband has told me I have to learn how to take a compliment. That's something I have tried working on over the years. So I want to say thank you to her. I haven't always had the easiest time talking with other women. But yet other than a select few of the guy friends have I been able to talk to. Guys just always seemed so less nudging upon me. I had never been the type of girl people expected. I learned After graduating classmates were surprised I got married and had kids. I was actually told they had always thought I would be the cat lady. I will admit I never thought about those things growing up but I know when I thought of my ideal boyfriend it was going to be, at least in my dreams, prince charming who swept me off of my feet. So I k ow and actuLly knew that I was holding my husband to a standard that doesn't exist. I am so sorry for that. I knew of this long ago though. I believe that will be something I need actual words of wisdom to help me with. Even my husband has told me ( yes I hear you even though I don't respond) that I need to let that part go and stop depending on you to fix it all. This has been something you have said from the beginning of our relationship not just marriage. I need help with it and I do plan to ask for tha. Not just pray about it.
I need to get on to the topic of what happened last night. I asked for help last night despite now hard that is for me. I chickened out and looked for an excuse not to go.my oldest son was actually not feeling well but my husband is very much so capable of handling his sons and even with one sick. I don't know if I give him enough credit out loud but I rather use my insecurity or paranoid lifestyle to avoid situations that I get antsy about. Talking and opening up to someone especially someone I haven't done that with before is by far the hardest thing for me. I really think it's why my husband thinks I am stand offish towards others even when I don't mean to be. I will admit the person I was to talk to I have known now for 6 years now. It's not like she is a stranger, but rather I pushed her away because I was still holding resentment towards her for something my husband did years and years ago. All of these things have tied in together. And I knew this over the last years however I just couldn't figure out how to change them or get rid of them from my heart and mind. While indont understand this book completely I do understand I must admit to my faults, and I know I have so many. This is why I'm writing them out. An approach I had never tried before in changing this. I said out loud in what I hope would be considered a prayer and said I want to let all of that go and I remind myself over and over again thAt I forgive my husband. I wanted to be closer with him last night And talk but I was afraid to. Those hurt feelings a
nd the scenerios just came rushing back and I started to feel like separating was the thing to do again. But I didn't want to tell him that or even speak about it because I was afraid of how bad it would get between us again. So I had to leave the house and try and figure it out. So I asked for help and then chickened out. I don't kN ow how to talk. I Have my meeting this morning with the pastor and honestly I have no clue how I am going to open up and get anything out. But I hope everyone who knows me see's that I am trying and to please forgive me if I fall short on this journey.